Sunday, April 4
Feeling very spiritual today, even though I didn't go church. Not that it mattered, but yes, there's always this guilt that lingers around it. I oughta clear that doubt away, because deep down I just know that He wouldn't blame me. (I told you I was feeling spiritual...)
Anyway, just felt like walking down memory lane, and realised a lot of things that I often took it for granted, labelled it as by chance, or simply shrugged it away. I admit that I had never been so connected during those times when I attended sunday school as a child. I was a regular goer, sorta forced or something, but yes, I was a regular goer anyhow. But I was basically just a person. Just someone out in the open, amidst everyone else.
Eventually, I didn't go back. No sense of belonging anyway. I couldn't fit in. Instinctively, I know it wasn't the church for me, because I dreaded going back. Because every sunday I would force myself to sleep in, and miss the ride down with my grandparents. Sad huh? Yeah, people would say that I'm not the devoted kind, but who cares about their comments? I rather face those subtle insults than fake the staunced christian. I mean, it's no use proving to people when you yourself lies to God. I can't stand it.
The pastor kept hounding me until now, even when I made clear that I am currently attending New Creation Church. Just refused to let go, repeatedly persuades me to go back, attend service, serve as pianist during worship. Nah. Can't make myself do that. Gave me the hollow feeling that I now finally recognised. I know I am still somewhat empty, but at least I know that I'm gradually filling up. I'd never survive in my old church. The people there gave me the creeps even until now.
Somehow, I was born with the instinct of knowing who's more true. I can tell when a person deeply dislikes me but is forced to smile at me. The feeling's totally different. Maybe I'm just more sensitive, but all I can feel when I was back at the old church was that. The tingling chill in the bones. I can't say that I don't feel any of it in my present one, but at least it isn't as frightening as before. I still don't know many people, but yes, I'm making improvement, and I'm trying to attend regularly. I know sometimes I get lazy, or work just simply refuses to budge, but yeah, I know I want to attend.
I'll probably never become the staunched devotee most of my church friends are, but I know that the Lord exists within me. That's all I need to know. That He loves me dearly.
Posted by Isabelle at 9:44 pm